I have never believed people who say they have no regrets. No one is perfect and surely everyone has at least done things they look back on and think, “yanno maybe that wasn’t such a great idea” or “gosh maybe I should have done that instead” or “I wish I hadn’t hurt that person”.
I have no regrets about terminating relationships with toxic people – most of whom are family members to be honest. It’s easy to terminate relationships with friends or partners who are no good for you. I mean, it may be hard at the time, especially when you are young. But trust me kiddos, you get over it. Some family members are a bit more complicated. Especially if you have grown up together. But as you get older you start to see people for what they really are, from siblings to cousins, aunts, uncles and beyond. Family secrets come out and that uncle you really liked should be locked up for the things they’ve done. I don’t regret those feelings or my decision to refuse relationships with them or distancing myself from them. I’m also grateful for the ones who ended relationships with me. Their egos were too big for me to cope with. When I finally had enough and was honest with them, they chose their ego over everything. I have no regrets about the current state of any of those relationships at all as my life is better without their toxicity and chaos.
But having cancer and suddenly being faced with your own mortality really does make you re-evaluate your whole life in a way that only cancer can. Yes, I have a few regrets. They mostly involve my own insecurities and fears, and how I’ve let them have so much control over my life. They’ve led me to make some terrible decisions. Ones that hurt people around me who love me the most. Ones that hurt me too. But cancer is almost giving me another crack at being better. A better wife, sister, aunt and daughter. Just a better human being I guess.
I don’t really want cancer to completely change me. I like who I am for the most part. I like my life with my husband. I wouldn’t change anything that would alter my chances of meeting him. I have faced the possibility of spending my life without him and it was harder than chemo. But I want to be more brave in my choices, including the hard ones. I want to be the wife my husband deserves. I’d like to be kinder and more patient. Less quick to anger. I want to get out of London more often. I want to be around nature more too – it can be hard to do living here. I want to experience adventures and new things with my husband, my true friends, my nieces. I want to try and create more peace and calm in my life. Not that there is chaos at all, there isn’t really. But I guess what I’m striving for is more peace of mind for myself. Which surely will impact others around me.
Things I might like to change: I find it really difficult to pretend to like people that I don’t like or lose my temper with those who annoy me. One of my biggest annoyances are people who are entitled, self centred, and unruly children. The area I live in is filled to the brim with the later and their entitled parents, overflowing. There has been more than one occasion where I’ve just gotten sick of listening to someone be horrible and I’ve just lost my shit at them. Ha, the day all of this started I was in the hospital waiting room for like 7 hours. There was a man in there picking on hospital staff all day and being mean. Towards the end of the day it was just him and me in there. He decided to walk up to the receptionist for the gazillonth time that day and shout at her for how incompetent they all were, he gestured out towards me and told her, “you are stressing out all of us” and that was it. I told him the only person stressing anyone out was him blah blah blah. He got mad. I didn’t care. Held my own and eventually hospital staff had to come out and get him to leave or be quiet. I don’t remember right now. But, was that really necessary of me? Often times my annoyance will last long after I’ve walked away from them. What’s the point of that? I struggle with not doing that though. Maybe I should be more tolerant? I don’t know.
Anyway, I can’t wait until this is all over so I can start kicking ass at life again…just better.